Saturday, December 11, 2004
AutoDave! The automated Dave Barry column generator
Dave Barry's columns are published every Friday on his Web site at the Miami Herald. But if you can't wait that long, you can use this page to generate one of your own, instead.
here's how mine came out:
IguanaGaL's "Dave Barry" column:
Recently in Los Angeles (motto: "The chunky air is here"), residents reported an outbreak of elephant tusks. Perhaps you think there are no elephant tusks in Los Angeles. Perhaps you are an idiot.
As the French say, au contraire (literally: "you are a dolt!"). I have here in my hands a copy of an Associated Press article sent in by alert reader Jennifer, whose name can be rearranged to spell "JREENFNI", although that is not my main point. "Jennifer", by the way, only has the letters "ennie" in common with "Monica Lewinsky", so there is no other reason to mention Monica Lewinsky in this column.
According to a quote which I am not making up, from Los Angeles Mayor Cedric formally "Mayor Cedric" and informally "dude"), elephant tusks ranks as a major crisis just behind coffee, sugar and milk (insert your "Cremora" joke here), as evidenced by the following conversation between Los Angeles government employees:
FIRST LOS ANGELES EMPLOYEE: "bite me, i'm outta here"
SECOND LOS ANGELES EMPLOYEE: "you friggin' butthead"
FIRST LOS ANGELES EMPLOYEE: "oops ! i didn't know it was you"
Fortunately I have a suggestion for Mayor dude, and that is: starch George
Steinbrenner's jockey shorts.
No, seriously, my suggestion does not involve George Steinbrenner's jockey shorts, although it might involve having the IRS audit Tobacco Institute scientists. My suggestion is more along the lines of a coup de grace, from the French coup, meaning "surfing", and de grace, meaning "the internet".
The procedure (you may want to write this down):
send it to iraq
using a plunger
But instead the Los Angeles city council (motto: "We'll keep people under control when you pry the coffee cup out of our cold, dead fingers") thinks that they (the elephant tusks) are bigger than the Goodyear Blimp - sending this message to the public, and to the world: "i love michael jackson".
Speaking of which, "The Los Angeles Elephant tusks Outbreak" would be a great name for a rock band.
http://www.peacefire.org/staff/bennett/autodave/
here's how mine came out:
IguanaGaL's "Dave Barry" column:
Recently in Los Angeles (motto: "The chunky air is here"), residents reported an outbreak of elephant tusks. Perhaps you think there are no elephant tusks in Los Angeles. Perhaps you are an idiot.
As the French say, au contraire (literally: "you are a dolt!"). I have here in my hands a copy of an Associated Press article sent in by alert reader Jennifer, whose name can be rearranged to spell "JREENFNI", although that is not my main point. "Jennifer", by the way, only has the letters "ennie" in common with "Monica Lewinsky", so there is no other reason to mention Monica Lewinsky in this column.
According to a quote which I am not making up, from Los Angeles Mayor Cedric formally "Mayor Cedric" and informally "dude"), elephant tusks ranks as a major crisis just behind coffee, sugar and milk (insert your "Cremora" joke here), as evidenced by the following conversation between Los Angeles government employees:
FIRST LOS ANGELES EMPLOYEE: "bite me, i'm outta here"
SECOND LOS ANGELES EMPLOYEE: "you friggin' butthead"
FIRST LOS ANGELES EMPLOYEE: "oops ! i didn't know it was you"
Fortunately I have a suggestion for Mayor dude, and that is: starch George
Steinbrenner's jockey shorts.
No, seriously, my suggestion does not involve George Steinbrenner's jockey shorts, although it might involve having the IRS audit Tobacco Institute scientists. My suggestion is more along the lines of a coup de grace, from the French coup, meaning "surfing", and de grace, meaning "the internet".
The procedure (you may want to write this down):
send it to iraq
using a plunger
But instead the Los Angeles city council (motto: "We'll keep people under control when you pry the coffee cup out of our cold, dead fingers") thinks that they (the elephant tusks) are bigger than the Goodyear Blimp - sending this message to the public, and to the world: "i love michael jackson".
Speaking of which, "The Los Angeles Elephant tusks Outbreak" would be a great name for a rock band.
http://www.peacefire.org/staff/bennett/autodave/
