Monday, June 05, 2006
Turn off the NATURE, already! Geez!
Ya just gotta love things like moving to bumf*** Utah.
Being a Miami girl, I'm used to some pretty strange goings on between the animal kingdom and me.
Like the time my dad brought me a new "pet lizard" he'd caught in a tree somewhere - knowing how much I loved iguanas (since he'd bought me my first one when I was six) he thought this new lizard would be something really cool for me. Cool it was, until I opened the box, stuck my hand in, and that little lizard latched onto my finger like nobody's business and WOULD NOT LET GO!
Being a wimp of eleven, this freaked me out and I started crying - which meant my dad got in MAJOR trouble with my mom, who suddenly appeared on the front steps and proceeded to let my dad know a thing or two, all the while I'm sitting there freaking out with this green reptile attached by the fangs to one of my digits.
I was not favorably impressed.
Here's a picture of the sweet little thing:
Isn't he just a glorious shade of green? Yeah, I thought so, too.
That is, until the cute little thing turned out to be the Dracula of the reptilian world, opened his little green jaws and BIT MY FINGER TILL IT BLED!
INSERT 11 YEAR OLD'S FINGER HERE: ==>>
Ah well, I finally extricated my finger from "Jaws" and he was let loose in the big Star Fruit tree in our front yard, where he lived for years and years and became quite large - I'd see him sneaking around the tree trunk in the afternoon, searching for his insect snacks - always had a healthy respect for him after that.
Stuff like that happens in Florida - but when you wind up in some god-forsaken desert in Utah where even the bushes have a hard time growing, you don't really expect to get much nature action. The area I live in DOESN'T EVEN HAVE SQUIRRELS for heaven's sake!
"Why", you ask?
Elementary, my dear Watson: THERE ARE NO TREES HERE! Just scrub brush and juniper bushes. Not the most squirrel-friendly habitat. It tricks you - makes you become unsuspecting and unwary when nature suddenly rears its head and scares the daylights out of you.
I went out this afternoon to do some shopping - in the middle of it all I got hungry and stopped off at a food joint for a quick sandwich. While I was devouring it, I decided to call above mentioned mother and chat with her while I ate my lunch. Just minding my own business, sitting in my Jeep with the windows down having a nice conversation with my old mom, and this *huge* seagull appeared out of NOWHERE and TRIED TO FLY THROUGH THE WINDOW OF MY JEEP - WITH ME IN IT! Seems old Jonathan Livingston Seagull has a habit of hanging out around the drive thru window of the food joint and accosting unsuspecting picknickers who are chowing down in the parking lot!
"Seagulls in UTAH?" you ask? Why YES! The state that is home to the Great Salt Lake, is also home to thousands, perhaps even MILLIONS of Salt Lake dwelling seagulls, since the Lake is is LOADED with Brine Shrimp, which just so happens to be MOST seagulls' favorite food. I say most, because wily old Jonathan had developed not only a penchant for fast food, but a quite bold and non human-fearing attitude .. he was ready to fly right through the window of my vehicle and share my sandwich with me. I didn't share his enthusiasm for this adventure. He had a large pointy beak that did not look all that different from the draconian lizard from Transylvania who had given my finger a "what for" many years ago.
<<== THIS WAS WHAT I SAW THE MOMENT BEFORE I DROPPED MY PHONE AND MY SANDWICH AND GOT MY WINDOWS ROLLED UP!!!
Hours later, back home, I went into the bathroom and my dogs followed me in there - for some reason they're always fascinated by ANYTHING I have to do, so I have no privacy of any kind with these two K9s around. But suddenly I realized that the dogs weren't interested in ME at all - but rather fascinated with the heater vent in the middle of the bathroom floor. I don't mean just mildly interested, either. I mean NOSES GLUED TO THE VENT - snuffling and snorting and tails a-wagging.
I'm watching the dogs' interest in the heater vent with some curiosity, and suddenly I heard it: a soft plaintive mewing - then more mewing - and OH NO - someone's cat decided to go UNDER MY HOUSE AND DELIVER A LITTER OF KITTENS! I could hear their little kitten noises coming through the floor, courtesy of the heater vent.
My dogs now want to get into the hall bathroom all the time now. I finally had to shut the door to keep them out of there. They just think I'm being mean. They even told me so.
I'm putting out a call to Marlon Perkins first thing in the morning - I'm hoping maybe Mutual of Omaha will give me a guest spot on Wild Kingdom. I hear the show is being resurrected just for me.
Being a Miami girl, I'm used to some pretty strange goings on between the animal kingdom and me.
Like the time my dad brought me a new "pet lizard" he'd caught in a tree somewhere - knowing how much I loved iguanas (since he'd bought me my first one when I was six) he thought this new lizard would be something really cool for me. Cool it was, until I opened the box, stuck my hand in, and that little lizard latched onto my finger like nobody's business and WOULD NOT LET GO!
Being a wimp of eleven, this freaked me out and I started crying - which meant my dad got in MAJOR trouble with my mom, who suddenly appeared on the front steps and proceeded to let my dad know a thing or two, all the while I'm sitting there freaking out with this green reptile attached by the fangs to one of my digits.
I was not favorably impressed.
Here's a picture of the sweet little thing:
Isn't he just a glorious shade of green? Yeah, I thought so, too.
That is, until the cute little thing turned out to be the Dracula of the reptilian world, opened his little green jaws and BIT MY FINGER TILL IT BLED!
INSERT 11 YEAR OLD'S FINGER HERE: ==>>
Ah well, I finally extricated my finger from "Jaws" and he was let loose in the big Star Fruit tree in our front yard, where he lived for years and years and became quite large - I'd see him sneaking around the tree trunk in the afternoon, searching for his insect snacks - always had a healthy respect for him after that.
Stuff like that happens in Florida - but when you wind up in some god-forsaken desert in Utah where even the bushes have a hard time growing, you don't really expect to get much nature action. The area I live in DOESN'T EVEN HAVE SQUIRRELS for heaven's sake!
"Why", you ask?
Elementary, my dear Watson: THERE ARE NO TREES HERE! Just scrub brush and juniper bushes. Not the most squirrel-friendly habitat. It tricks you - makes you become unsuspecting and unwary when nature suddenly rears its head and scares the daylights out of you.
I went out this afternoon to do some shopping - in the middle of it all I got hungry and stopped off at a food joint for a quick sandwich. While I was devouring it, I decided to call above mentioned mother and chat with her while I ate my lunch. Just minding my own business, sitting in my Jeep with the windows down having a nice conversation with my old mom, and this *huge* seagull appeared out of NOWHERE and TRIED TO FLY THROUGH THE WINDOW OF MY JEEP - WITH ME IN IT! Seems old Jonathan Livingston Seagull has a habit of hanging out around the drive thru window of the food joint and accosting unsuspecting picknickers who are chowing down in the parking lot!
"Seagulls in UTAH?" you ask? Why YES! The state that is home to the Great Salt Lake, is also home to thousands, perhaps even MILLIONS of Salt Lake dwelling seagulls, since the Lake is is LOADED with Brine Shrimp, which just so happens to be MOST seagulls' favorite food. I say most, because wily old Jonathan had developed not only a penchant for fast food, but a quite bold and non human-fearing attitude .. he was ready to fly right through the window of my vehicle and share my sandwich with me. I didn't share his enthusiasm for this adventure. He had a large pointy beak that did not look all that different from the draconian lizard from Transylvania who had given my finger a "what for" many years ago.
<<== THIS WAS WHAT I SAW THE MOMENT BEFORE I DROPPED MY PHONE AND MY SANDWICH AND GOT MY WINDOWS ROLLED UP!!!
Hours later, back home, I went into the bathroom and my dogs followed me in there - for some reason they're always fascinated by ANYTHING I have to do, so I have no privacy of any kind with these two K9s around. But suddenly I realized that the dogs weren't interested in ME at all - but rather fascinated with the heater vent in the middle of the bathroom floor. I don't mean just mildly interested, either. I mean NOSES GLUED TO THE VENT - snuffling and snorting and tails a-wagging.
I'm watching the dogs' interest in the heater vent with some curiosity, and suddenly I heard it: a soft plaintive mewing - then more mewing - and OH NO - someone's cat decided to go UNDER MY HOUSE AND DELIVER A LITTER OF KITTENS! I could hear their little kitten noises coming through the floor, courtesy of the heater vent.
My dogs now want to get into the hall bathroom all the time now. I finally had to shut the door to keep them out of there. They just think I'm being mean. They even told me so.
I'm putting out a call to Marlon Perkins first thing in the morning - I'm hoping maybe Mutual of Omaha will give me a guest spot on Wild Kingdom. I hear the show is being resurrected just for me.
